How To Sext

The Playbook for Whether You're Dating or in a Relationship

Sexting used to make me cringe. I either thought of it as something awkward teens fumbled through with too many emojis and not enough awareness of their camera angles, or as something forced and try-hard, like adult dirty talk that didn’t quite land.

But I’ve since changed my mind. Because when it’s done well, sexting isn’t embarrassing at all. It’s artful. It’s bold. And more than anything, it’s effective.

I’ve had lovers make my whole body ache with a single message sent at 2:47pm. I’ve spent meetings trying to keep a straight face while my mind replayed what someone promised to do to me later. I’ve used sexting in casual flings and long-term relationships, and I’ve coached countless women through finding their own voice in this space.

It’s not about crafting the perfect one-liner or sending flawless nudes. It’s about building tension. It’s about invitation and imagination. And it’s one of the most direct ways I know to access what Esther Perel calls erotic intelligence.

Let’s talk about what that actually means, and then I’ll give you some ideas that I use myself and teach to clients.

Why Sexting Works

Sexting is really about anticipation. That delicious space between desire and gratification. When you say just enough to stir the imagination, you activate the brain: and that’s where arousal begins.

Esther Perel describes erotic intelligence as our capacity to keep desire alive through imagination, play, and risk. Sexting hits all three.

You're not together in the moment, and that distance makes it hotter. You’re teasing, hinting, provoking. You’re letting your partner know you're thinking about them in a way that’s raw and intimate.

One of the most devastating sexts I’ve ever received was from my lover G. He sent it two hours before we were due to meet:

“I want your thighs shaking, your mouth open, and my face soaked in you before I even say hello.”

I had to physically close my laptop and go for a walk after that one.

G isn’t always available, which probably helps fan the fire, but even when I know I’m going to see him the next day, he uses his words to build suspense. It’s not just about sex. It’s about the wait for sex. That slow stretch of time where desire simmers just under the skin.

Compare that to V, another long-term lover of mine. He rarely sends texts like that. His communication is all physical. Hands. Mouth. Eye contact. But even with him, a midday “Round two tonight?” text sends a jolt through me. Sometimes all it takes is the suggestion.

The Sexting Playbook

This isn’t a set of rules. Think of it as a set of tools. You can play with tone, language, pacing. The goal is to sound like you—just the turned-on version of you.

1. Start with Suggestion, Not Explicitness

You don’t need to start with “I want to bend you over and wreck you.” You can get there, sure. But the first step can be subtler, and even hotter for it.

2. Use All Five Senses

Don’t just describe what you want to do. Describe how it would feel, sound, taste. Let them feel it in their body.

3. Leave Gaps for Their Imagination

You don’t have to spell it all out. Let them lean in.

• “I have a filthy idea for us later if you’re game.”

4. Bring in Playfulness

Sexy and funny are not opposites. Sexting that makes someone smile and squirm? That’s the sweet spot.

5. Know When to Escalate

If the energy is mutual, go deeper. Push the fantasy. Just make sure it’s two-way. Sexting should feel like a shared space, not a monologue.

Sexting in Long-Term Relationships

I get it. Sexting can feel a bit silly when you’ve been together for a decade. Especially when your usual text thread is full of shopping lists and school schedules. But that’s exactly why it works.

It lets you remember each other as lovers, not just life admin partners. It creates distance again, even if you're in the same house. It reintroduces tension.

Start small. Reference something hot from the past. Hint at plans for later. You don’t need to start with fantasy scripts. Try:

• “Don’t make plans tonight. You’re mine.”

• “If you walk through the door and say nothing, I’ll already be undressed.”

TL;DR? Sexting = Erotic Intelligence in Action

Good sexting is about being evocative, and maybe a little explicit.

It’s the art of teasing, of planting thoughts, of creating anticipation. It keeps your sex life active between the moments you’re actually naked. And it reconnects you to your own aliveness, not just your partner’s.

So yes, this is your invitation.

Text them something a little dangerous.
Or a little sweet.
Or a little filthy.

Let them want you all day.

Get The Sexting Guide

Image by Rebecca Ferguson on Canva

Whether you're newly dating, deep in a long-term relationship, or somewhere deliciously in between, The Sexting Guide is your invitation to turn desire into words: and words into foreplay. This 10+ page, no-fluff guide shows you exactly how to spark erotic tension, build anticipation, and communicate what you want with confidence and play. You'll learn the real secrets behind why sexting works, how to tailor your tone for different relationships, and get dozens of copy-and-paste examples to help you start, escalate, and land the message.

If you’ve ever felt awkward, stuck, or just uninspired when it comes to talking dirty, or if you want to take your flirting to a whole new level, this guide will change the game.

For a limited time, it’s just $3.99 for the first 20 people.
After that, it returns to the full price of $19.99.

Get it now and start sending texts that make their body ache and their imagination run wild.

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Want more real talk about sex, relationships and desire that respects your intelligence and your libido? Become a paying subscriber to unlock all the juicy, uncensored content. And yes, you can DM me too.

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