Sexual Authenticity

Showing Up with your True Desires

After years of hiding behind what I thought was expected of me in the bedroom, I discovered something profound: the difference between performing sexuality and actually being sexual. The shift from one to the other changed everything about how I experience intimacy.

Sexual authenticity isn't about being wild or adventurous (though you might be). It's not about ticking boxes or meeting some external standard of what "good sex" looks like. It's about showing up as yourself, completely and without apology, in your most intimate moments.

The Mask We Wear in Bed

For most of my marriage, I was an actress in my own sex life. I'd learnt the script of what a "good wife" was supposed to want, how she was supposed to respond, what noises she should make. I became so skilled at this performance that I almost forgot there was a real person underneath.

Image used with permission from Envato Elements

The performance was exhausting. I'd lie there afterwards, feeling empty despite having gone through all the motions. My husband seemed satisfied, the "job" was done, but I felt more disconnected from myself with each encounter. I was giving him what I thought he wanted while completely abandoning what I actually wanted.

It wasn't until I met V that I realised how much energy I'd been spending on this elaborate charade. In our early days together, he'd stop mid-kiss and ask, "Where did you go?" The first time he said it, I was confused. I was right there, wasn't I? But he'd somehow sensed that I'd slipped into performance mode, that I'd left my body and started going through familiar motions.

That question became a gentle anchor for me. "Where did you go?" It taught me to notice when I was present and when I was performing. More importantly, it showed me that my presence was what he actually wanted, not some rehearsed version of passion.

What Authentic Desire Actually Looks Like

Authentic desire is messy and unpredictable. It doesn't follow scripts or timelines. Sometimes it's urgent and consuming, other times it's gentle and contemplative. Sometimes it wants exactly what it wanted yesterday, other times it surprises you completely.

I remember the first time I told V exactly what I wanted in a particular moment, without filtering it through what I thought he'd prefer or what seemed "normal." It was specific and a bit unusual, and my heart was pounding as I said it. His immediate, enthusiastic "yes" was revelatory. Not only was I allowed to want what I wanted, but my authentic desire was actually more exciting to him than my careful performances had ever been.

This lesson carried into every aspect of our intimate life for the duration of our live-in relationship and even these days as we navigate our sexual relationship, each as solo-poly friends-with-benefits. Whether it's initiating sex when I want it (booty calls, anyone?), asking for exactly the touch I'm craving, or even saying no when I'm not feeling it, authenticity has become our foundation. The result is that our sexual connection feels alive and dynamic rather than routine or obligatory.

The Courage to Want What You Want

One of my coaching clients, Sarah, came to me feeling frustrated and disconnected in her relationship. She and her partner had fallen into a pattern of predictable, brief encounters that left her feeling more lonely than satisfied. When I asked her what she actually wanted, she looked at me blankly.

"I don't know," she said. "I guess I want him to want me more."

But that wasn't actually about her desire, it was about his. Over the next few sessions, we worked to help her identify her own authentic wants. What did her body crave? What fantasies made her feel most alive? What kind of touch, atmosphere, or connection was she actually seeking?

The breakthrough came when she realised she'd been so focused on being desirable that she'd never given herself space to actually desire. Once she started paying attention to her own wants and expressing them to her partner, their entire dynamic shifted. He was thrilled to finally understand what would truly please her, and she felt genuinely excited about sex for the first time in years.

Beyond the Bedroom

Sexual authenticity extends far beyond what happens between the sheets. It's about how you move through the world in your body, how you dress, how you touch and allow yourself to be touched, how you speak about desire and pleasure.

V and I created a life where sensuality and intimacy were woven through our everyday moments. We might spend an entire session exploring each other's bodies without any goal beyond pleasure and connection. These days, even though we’re no longer nesting partners, we talk openly about our fantasies, our turn-ons, what we're curious about trying.

This expansiveness has taught me that authentic sexuality isn't an event, it's a way of being. It's about being present in your body, curious about pleasure, and willing to communicate what you discover.

The Practice of Showing Up

Becoming sexually authentic is an ongoing practice, not a destination. Even now, I sometimes catch myself slipping into old patterns, performing rather than being present. The difference is that now I notice it happening and can choose to come back to myself.

Here's what this practice looks like in real terms:

• paying attention to what your body actually wants in any given moment, rather than what you think it should want (mindfulness can really help with this - see article below);

• speaking your desires out loud, even when your voice shakes;

• staying present during intimate moments instead of disappearing into your head; and

• celebrating your wants as valid and important rather than judging them.

Another client, Mark, struggled with expressing his more tender desires because he felt they weren't "masculine" enough. He wanted slower, more emotionally connected intimacy, but felt pressure to always be the dominant, driving force. When he finally shared this with his partner, she was relieved. She'd been craving that deeper connection too but had been matching what she thought he wanted.

Their willingness to be authentic with each other opened up an entirely new dimension of intimacy. They discovered that their real desires were far more compatible than their performed ones had ever been.

The Ripple Effect

When you show up authentically in your sex life, it changes everything else too. You become more confident in asking for what you want generally. You stop settling for connections that require you to hide parts of yourself. You attract people who are drawn to your real self rather than your performed self.

The work I do as a sex and relationship coach is essentially about helping people remember who they really are underneath all the shoulds and supposed-tos. When clients reconnect with their authentic desires, they don't just have better sex, they have better lives.

Your authentic self is not too much, too little, too weird, or too anything. Your authentic self is exactly what's needed for real intimacy to flourish. The people worth having in your life will celebrate your authenticity, not ask you to dim it.

Sexual authenticity is about remembering who you've always been underneath all the noise. And that person is absolutely worth celebrating.

Here’s to your authentic sexual self being a reality,

Bec 💋

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Coming up in the next three months, articles covering intimate topics including:

• What gets me off

• My favourite sex positions

• How I masturbate

• My first visit to a sex club

• My erotic archetype and what it means for my sex life

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