Unlearning Shame, Unlocking Desire
A Step-by-Step Guide to Rewriting the Narrative Around Sex and Intimacy
Sexual shame isn’t something we’re born with—it’s something we learn. For me, that learning started early. Growing up in small-town Australia, sex wasn’t just a taboo subject—it was practically off-limits. I remember my brother once asking my parents how babies were made. My father, visibly uncomfortable, gave a vague answer about a "special mechanism" and promptly changed the subject. That was the extent of our "sex education."
The unspoken message was clear: sex was embarrassing, awkward, and not something to be discussed. As a curious child, I filled in the gaps with snippets of information from older kids in the neighbourhood and whatever I could glean from books or movies. But even as I pieced together the mechanics of sex, I couldn’t escape the undercurrent of shame that seemed to surround the topic.
That shame followed me into adulthood. In my first marriage, it showed up in subtle but deeply damaging ways. I had desires and fantasies that didn’t align with my husband’s, and instead of meeting me with curiosity or openness, he made me feel wrong for wanting something different. Comments like “Why can’t you just be happy with what we’re doing?” or “That’s not normal” left me feeling isolated and doubting myself. I began to internalize the idea that my desires were shameful, that I was "too much" or "not enough" in the bedroom.
But shame is a slippery thing—it doesn’t just stay in one part of your life. The more I buried my desires, the more I felt disconnected not only from my husband but also from myself. Our sex life became a source of frustration rather than intimacy, and the weight of unspoken shame contributed to the eventual breakdown of our marriage.
It wasn’t until I met my current partner, V, that I began to rewrite my narrative around sex and intimacy. From the start, V created a safe space for me to explore my true desires without judgment. He listened with curiosity and respect, encouraging me to express what I wanted rather than hiding it.
One moment stands out vividly. Early in our relationship, I hesitantly shared a fantasy I’d never spoken about before, convinced he would laugh or recoil. Instead, he leaned in, looked me in the eye, and said, “Tell me more.” Those three words were transformative. For the first time, I felt seen and accepted for who I truly was, desires and all.
That openness and trust have been the foundation of our relationship and have allowed us to explore intimacy in ways I never thought possible. It’s also helped me in my work as a sex and relationship coach—to help others break free from the cycle of shame and rediscover their own desires.
How to Rewrite the Narrative
Overcoming sexual shame isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how I approached it personally, and the model I use in my coaching practice:
1. Acknowledge the Shame
The first step in overcoming shame is recognising it for what it is: a learned response, not an inherent truth. Shame thrives in silence and darkness, so bringing it into the light is essential.
Reflect on Your Past Messages About Sex: Ask yourself questions like, What were the unspoken rules about sex in my family? Was sex treated as dirty, dangerous, or taboo? Journaling about your earliest memories of sex or conversations about it can help you identify patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you.
Notice How Shame Shows Up in Your Body: Shame isn’t just mental—it’s physical. When you think about your desires, do you feel tension in your chest, a pit in your stomach, or a sense of shrinking? Becoming aware of these sensations can help you understand how shame operates within you.
Name It Without Judgment: Simply saying, “I feel shame about [specific topic],” can be incredibly freeing. Remember, you are not your shame—it’s just a story you’ve been told.
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2. Challenge the Narrative
Once you’ve identified the source of your shame, it’s time to confront it. This involves questioning its validity and replacing it with a healthier perspective.
Debunk Myths: Are the beliefs you hold rooted in fact, or are they cultural or religious constructs? For example, the idea that sex outside of marriage is “bad” may have been taught to you, but does it align with your current values? Research, reading, and open conversations can help you untangle these narratives.
Reframe Your Thinking: Instead of seeing your desires as “wrong,” try viewing them as an essential part of your humanity. Desires aren’t something to fix—they’re something to explore. For instance, I reframed my own feelings about wanting variety in the bedroom as a sign of creativity and vitality, not a flaw.
Practice Affirmations: Affirmations can help replace negative self-talk with positive messages. Phrases like, “My desires are natural and valid,” or “I am worthy of pleasure,” can help shift your mindset over time.
3. Open Up to Your Partner
If you’re in a relationship, your partner can be a powerful ally in overcoming shame—if you’re willing to let them in. Open, honest communication is key.
Start Small: If you’re nervous about sharing your desires, begin with something less intimidating. For example, instead of jumping into your biggest fantasy, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about ways we could spice things up. Are you open to talking about it?”
Focus on Curiosity, Not Criticism: Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than a list of complaints. Frame your desires in a positive light, such as, “I’d love to try [specific thing] because I think it could bring us even closer.”
Be Patient: If your partner reacts with hesitation or discomfort, give them time. Shame affects people differently, and they may need a moment to process what you’re sharing. Encourage an ongoing dialogue rather than expecting immediate change.
4. Explore in a Safe Space
Exploration is an essential part of rewriting your sexual narrative, but it needs to happen in an environment where you feel safe—physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Experiment Gradually: Start by exploring your desires privately. This could mean reading erotica, experimenting with touch, or using a sex toy to learn more about what you enjoy. When you’re ready, invite your partner into the exploration.
Set Boundaries and Permissions: Before trying something new, discuss boundaries and establish a sense of mutual consent. For example, V and I often talk through our fantasies and decide together what feels right to explore.
Celebrate Small Wins: Exploration isn’t about achieving some grand goal—it’s about the journey. Celebrate every step forward, whether it’s trying a new position, expressing a fantasy, or simply feeling more comfortable in your own skin.
5. Seek Support
You don’t have to face shame alone. Support from others—whether a trusted friend, therapist, or coach—can provide invaluable perspective and encouragement.
Find a Judgment-Free Space: Not everyone is equipped to talk about sex without projecting their own beliefs. Seek out people who create a safe, nonjudgmental environment where you can be yourself.
Work with a Professional: A sex and relationship coach (like me!) or sex therapist can help you dig deeper into your shame and provide tools to move past it. In my coaching practice, I work with clients to identify their barriers, redefine their desires, and build a fulfilling intimate life.
Join a Community: There are many groups, both online and offline, where people share their experiences and learn from each other. Knowing you’re not alone can make the process of overcoming shame feel less daunting. Reddit has some particularly active Subreddits around sex, where you can share your story anonymously and hear from others who may have had similar experiences.
The Freedom of Desire
Reclaiming your desires can help you enjoy better sex and reconnect with yourself on the deepest level. When you shed the weight of shame, you open the door to greater intimacy, self-acceptance, and joy.
If you’re ready to take the first step, know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and I can tell you: the journey is worth it. Your desires are nothing to be ashamed of—they’re a beautiful, vital part of who you are.
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Your ex sounds like a real keeper. 🙄 So glad you've found someone like V.
Thank you, Rebecca 🙏