Why Your Sex Life Deserves a Vision Statement

And How to Create One

Someone on Substack wrote in a note recently, when you’re thinking of who to write for, write for your younger self. I’m thinking about myself at the age of 27, engaged to a man who I was completely incompatible with sexually. I was caught up in the romance of engagement and marriage, all our friends were getting married, and we were in love, so it seemed like a good idea. We had sex regularly, which in my mind, meant we had a “good” sex life, but the quality was never there.

I’m writing to that Bec of the early noughties, and anyone like her, asking you to consider you sex life as part of your life’s vision. It’s as important as your career, family, finances and health. So choose a life partner who can help you to be your true sexual self. Envision it and make it a reality.

I’ve been through countless values and visioning exercises in my professional and personal life, working through what I care about, especially with my therapist. Like most people, when I thought of creating a vision for my life, I inevitably focused on the usual stuff like work and family.

But what if we applied that same intentionality to one of the most intimate and transformative parts of our lives—our sex life? After tracking 3,000 orgasms in a single year (yes, you read that right!), I realised that I’d inadvertently expanded my own vision of what a great sex life could be.

Just like a mission statement can transform a business, having a vision for your intimate life can be a powerful foundation. It creates clarity around your desires, strengthens your connection with your partner(s), and ultimately brings more joy, satisfaction, and love into your life.

The Beginnings of My Vision for My Sex Life

The genesis of my sex life vision came during “The Summer of Rebecca,” as my girlfriends still refer to those hot months during the Southern Hemisphere’s summer of late 2016 and early 2017. I’d left my marriage on one Thursday in September, after more than two years without sex with my husband. My friends got me set up on Tinder by the following afternoon, just in time for the weekend.

Dozens of dates and handfuls of sexual encounters later, I had had some of the most delightful and heady sexual experiences of my life. I’d tried just about everything two consenting adults can do with each other sexually, and a couple of times with more than two! After feeling so unloved and unattractive in my marriage, it was affirming to be desired by men and to discover all the pleasure that was available to me as a single woman in her early forties.

I kept seeing my therapist to help process the trauma of my marriage and to prepare myself for what was to come. When I talked about wanting to eventually be in a relationship, she suggested that I envision three things:

1. What traits, values and characteristics I wanted to seek out in a man;

2. What my ideal relationship looked like, including my sex life; and

3. How I wanted to be within that relationship – what kind of partner did I want to be?

I still have the notes on my phone that outlined my checklists. The vision for my future sex life included adventure, novelty, quality and quantity, but the ideas weren’t fully developed until I met my current partner, V.

Why Create a Vision for Your Sex Life?

In the early days of my relationship with V, we talked at length about what was important to each of us sexually. I conveyed to him my desire for adventure, novelty, quantity and quality. It wasn’t until 18 months later, when I’d tracked my way to those 3000 orgasms in a year that the vision became clearer. As I began analysing the data, I realised that having a great sex life meant more than just “good times.” I wanted a sex life that was joyful, exploratory, deeply connecting—and sustainable in the long run. Creating a vision for my sex life helped V and me shift from just “going with the flow” to intentionally building a deeply fulfilling and dynamic intimate life.

Here’s how a vision can help transform your own relationship:

• Clarity of Desires and Needs: When I looked back on all the data I’d collected, I discovered preferences and patterns I’d never fully acknowledged. A vision statement helps you articulate your unique sexual needs and desires.

• Building Emotional Connection: Creating a vision encouraged V and me to communicate openly and honestly, which deepened our emotional intimacy.

• Sustaining a Long-Term Relationship: Having a healthy, joyful sex life takes work, even in the best relationships. A vision helped us keep growing and stay connected.

• Supporting Sexual Health and Well-being: A clear vision meant we prioritised intimacy and made it an essential part of our well-being, not something we just squeezed in if we had time.

The Benefits of a Sex Life Vision Statement

Creating a vision statement for your sex life can be a powerful foundation, whether you’re in a long-term relationship or looking for a new connection. Here’s why it’s worth putting your vision down on paper:

1. Aligning with Your Partner: Just like a company mission statement, a vision statement for your sex life can align you and your partner on shared values and goals. It gives you both clarity on your desires, needs, and what you each bring to the relationship.

2. Encouraging Open Communication: Honest communication was key for V and me. When we created our vision, it made talking about sexual needs and desires natural and even exciting. Open communication like this closes the gaps in understanding and helps build trust.

3. Providing Stability Through Challenges: Every relationship faces challenges. During busy or difficult times, having a shared vision helped V and me stay connected, so even in those moments, we had a common foundation.

4. Increasing Self-Awareness: Crafting a vision helped me identify what I wanted from my intimate life. For anyone who’s unsure about their needs or feels disconnected from their sexuality, creating a vision is a great way to explore and start reconnecting.

5. Guiding Growth Together: A vision gives your relationship room to grow. By identifying what we wanted, V and I created a foundation that allows us to expand, evolve, and keep the relationship exciting.

How to Create Your Sex Life Vision Statement

Creating a vision for your sex life is about embracing a shared journey. Here’s a step-by-step guide to get started.

1. Reflect on Your Desires and Values

The first step is self-reflection. I learned so much about my own desires when I started tracking my orgasms—it was like a treasure map to my pleasure. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What does a satisfying sex life look like for me?

• How do I want to feel in my intimate relationships?

• What do I need for emotional intimacy and open communication?

• How can I feel safe and healthy within my sex life?

• Are there old beliefs about sex I want to leave behind?

Self-awareness is key to building a satisfying sex life, so take time to reflect honestly.

2. Create a Vision Board (Even if It’s Just for You)

For me, visualising my ideal sex life was a transformative experience. A vision board can help make your thoughts tangible, even if it’s something you keep in a private journal or online. Vision boards bring your desires into focus, giving you a reminder of what you’re building.

Here’s how to start:

• Pinterest: Create a private or public board where you can pin articles, images, or quotes that inspire you.

• Journal: Dedicate a few pages to your vision—sketch, write, or add cutouts that reflect your desires. Simple words or images are enough.

• Inspirational Quotes: Look for quotes or phrases that capture the essence of what you’re aiming for—perhaps around trust, joy, connection, or adventure.

Building a vision board helped me solidify what I wanted from my sex life, and it served as a little reminder of what V and I were working toward.

3. Have a Conversation with Your Partner

Once you have a clearer idea of what you want, it’s time to talk with your partner. Sharing this vision was crucial for V and me because it created a new layer of connection.

Ask each other questions like:

• What does a fulfilling sex life look like for us?

• How can we meet each other’s sexual needs and desires?

• What are our goals for intimacy?

This step creates mutual understanding and gives you both an active role in shaping your shared vision.

4. Draft Your Vision Statement

Now, take everything you’ve discussed and draft a simple, clear statement. Here are a few examples to get you started:

• “To build a connected relationship where we support each other’s desires, maintain open communication, and continually explore new ways to connect.”

• “To prioritise intimacy as a meaningful part of our lives, embracing both emotional and physical pleasure with respect and openness.”

• “To cultivate a joyful, healthy, adventurous, and ever-evolving sex life that strengthens our connection.”

Your statement should reflect who you are as a couple and what you both value.

5. Revisit and Revise Your Vision

Your relationship—and your vision—will evolve over time. Revisit it regularly, especially during big life changes or when you want to reconnect.

For V and me, this has become a practice towards the end of each year. We check in, talk about what’s working, and adjust as we go. Your vision is meant to grow with you.

How a Vision Board Supports Your Vision Statement

Having a vision board isn’t just a creative exercise; it’s a powerful reminder of your shared goals. When life gets hectic or stressful, revisiting your vision board can bring you back to what matters most.

A vision board:

• Keeps You Inspired: Seeing your goals visually can help you stay motivated.

• Promotes Positive Thinking: Focusing on positive aspects of your relationship can reinforce a sense of optimism and happiness.

• Strengthens Your Bond: Creating the board together becomes a shared experience, reinforcing your connection.

Tips for Maintaining Your Vision

1. Prioritise Intimacy: Life gets busy, but intimacy deserves priority. Schedule time for connection, just like any other important part of your life.

2. Promote Sexual Health: Challenges like low libido, stress, or medical issues can impact intimacy. A family or sex therapist can provide support, if needed.

3. Open Communication: Regularly discuss your intimate life. Share new insights, desires, and make adjustments.

4. Explore New Ways to Connect: Keep things fresh by exploring new activities or sharing open communication around desires. Variety keeps things exciting.

Why a Vision for Your Sex Life Matters

Creating a vision for your intimate life isn’t just about having a great sex life—it’s about crafting a relationship that prioritises joy, satisfaction, good health and mutual growth. When we create a vision for our sex lives, we build a foundation for a life that celebrates intimacy, self-discovery, and lasting connection.

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